Fresh Off the Press

OGREMAR, Indiana (DP) — Citing a “vast weather conspiracy”, as evidenced by the dual attacks of thunderstorms and tornadoes and the release of “The Day After Tomorrow” on Memorial Day weekend, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge today announced a “war on God”.

“There is no doubt that these storms were ‘Acts of God'”, Ridge said. “The Homeland Security Department has determined that God is determined to strike again in the U.S. — and possibly elsewhere in the world — most likely before the elections this fall. We intend to prevent those attacks wherever possible.” Ridge did not respond to repeated questions for specifics about Homeland Security’s anti-God plans, but did say that God is suspected to have operatives “all across this country, in virtually every city and town”.

When asked why Attorney General John Ashcroft wasn’t in attendance at the press briefing, and whether he concurred in the prosecution of a new conflict, Ridge said, “He got the memo”, then abruptly ended the meeting.